We are very grateful for all the people looking for hobo names.

Visitors from Boing Boing and elsewhere may find them here.

When listening, please bear in mind: Jonathan Coulton played the music, live, for an hour, one take. Thank you.

There is also a text edition of same, to be found here.

We are very grateful for all the people looking for hobo names.

Visitors from Boing Boing and elsewhere may find them here.

When listening, please bear in mind: Jonathan Coulton played the music, live, for an hour, one take. Thank you.

There is also a text edition of same, to be found here.

GOOD EVENING

And take cheer. This is the 10th of 20 TOTAL E-MAILINGS THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

“The almanac that contains no weather information and, once placed on your shelf, will secretly replace all neighboring books with its own text.”

My name is John Hodgman, and I greet you with……

……The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE……

……The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE……

……Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER……

……Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital……

……Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater……

……That is all……

STAND BY FOR PART ONE

***

PART ONE: The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE

Those of you who were able to attend last week’s LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE have all of our gratitude, and as a reward may skip this part of the e-mailing entirely, for you will already know that…

DAVE PRAEGER IS THE WINNER.

This pertains to a contest held at the Lecture in which members of the audience were asked to SWIFTLY AND ACCURATELY describe in prose THE UNUSUAL FACIAL HAIR OF A LONG-DECEASED MAN… one Captain Thompson.

(Cpt. Thompson’s facial hair may be observed HERE )

DAVE PRAEGER won a free copy of the book THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE for his brief description “DOUBLE WANG.”

BUT… our congratulations also go to these runners-up:

1st: “Tickle Me Timbers”—unsigned.
2nd: “Lucifer’s Horns”—A. Morris.
3rd: “2/3rds of the Rabbit Consumed”—unsigned.

If anyone would like to claim credit for these unsigned or ambiguously-signed descriptions, I would be pleased to acknowledge you.

Please especially, mysterious “Third Runner Up,” I would like to hear from you, because your description is strange and awesome and very accurate.

No offense to Dave Praeger, whom I adore, but I have come to the conclusion that he is a foul-mouthed loon, whereas you, THIRD RUNNER UP, are a moustache poet.

STAND BY FOR PART TWO

***

PART TWO: The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE

As I have NOT LEFT MY HOME in several days, I do not know if TIME OUT NEW YORK has, as promised, published my letter correcting their error in their otherwise very kind and obviously drunken review of MY BOOK.

(Actual quote: “The book’s overall presentation gives Hodgman’s self-consciousness the feel of Nabokov’s PALE FIRE as directed by Wes Anderson. Glub glub glub. I am obviously drunk. Tee hee.”—Daniel Nester, Time Out NY, Oct 13-19). !!

So perhaps it is now common knowledge among TIME OUT NY readers that the missing word from the sentence they MISQUOTED from my book was:

“CYBORG.”

The correctly quoted sentence, thus, is:

“Young, handsome CYBORG Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.” (emphasis mine)

Unfortunately, no one guessed this one correctly, and so this “FREE BOOK” goes unclaimed.

But I shall give it away, as outlined below.

STAND BY FOR PART THREE

***

PART THREE: Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER

Tomorrow night (MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 9:30PM) I have been invited to speak and endure questioning as part of…

BRO’IN OUT WITH LEO AND TONY

A live talk show hosted by LEO ALLEN, sidekicked by TONY CAMIN, and welcoming guests SHONALI BHOWMILK and DEMETRI MARTIN to

THE UCB THEATER, 307 West 26th Street, tickets are available

Please note that BEER AND WINE WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE at this event, but not books.

YOUR NEAREST BOOKSTORE, in case there is a book of FAKE TRIVIA you want to buy and have signed by DEMETRI MARTIN, for example, is the Barnes and Noble at Sixth Avenue and 22nd Street.

STAND BY FOR PART FOUR

***

PART FOUR: Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital

THIS TUESDAY, OCT 25, 2005, Jonathan Coulton and I will drive northward with ARTHUR BRADFORD to address the citizens of Albany.

We are welcomed to the capital region by William Kennedy’s NEW YORK STATE WRITERS INSTITUTE, Donald Faulkner, Director.

You may see Arthur Bradford’s sideburns HERE

The reading, which is open to the public, begins at 8PM.

STAND BY FOR PART FIVE

***

PART FIVE: Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater

THEN, ON WEDNESDAY, OCT 26 at 7PM, Coulton and I will return to Manhattan and the sales floor of BARNES & NOBLE at 6th Avenue and 22nd Street.

PLEASE NOTE: as this is the first ACTUAL BOOKSTORE APPEARANCE since the publication of the book, it would be lovely to see AN ENORMOUS NUMBER OF PEOPLE there.

Or at least: SOME PEOPLE.

Thus, as an incentive, THE FREE BOOK NOT GIVEN AWAY ABOVE will instead be given away to anyone who demonstrably BRING THEIR PARENTS to the reading, or alternately, THEIR FIVE SIBLINGS, or AN ENTIRE CLASS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS.

No cousins, though, Enough with the cousins.

PLEASE NOTE that Barnes and Noble does NOT sell alcohol anymore. If you want beer or wine, you will have to go to the nearby UCB THEATER—I will be happy to sign any alcohol you bring to the reading.

STAND BY FOR PART SIX

***

PART SIX: That is all.

This E-MAILING #10 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE represents the midpoint of all e-mails you shall receive on this subject.

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “PLEASE END THIS MISERY” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.

GOOD EVENING

And take cheer. This is the 10th of 20 TOTAL E-MAILINGS THAT YOU DID NOT REQUEST regarding…

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE

“The almanac that contains no weather information and, once placed on your shelf, will secretly replace all neighboring books with its own text.”

My name is John Hodgman, and I greet you with……

……The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE……

……The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE……

……Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER……

……Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital……

……Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater……

……That is all……

STAND BY FOR PART ONE

***

PART ONE: The results from a contest to DESCRIBE A MOUSTACHE

Those of you who were able to attend last week’s LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE have all of our gratitude, and as a reward may skip this part of the e-mailing entirely, for you will already know that…

DAVE PRAEGER IS THE WINNER.

This pertains to a contest held at the Lecture in which members of the audience were asked to SWIFTLY AND ACCURATELY describe in prose THE UNUSUAL FACIAL HAIR OF A LONG-DECEASED MAN… one Captain Thompson.

(Cpt. Thompson’s facial hair may be observed HERE )

DAVE PRAEGER won a free copy of the book THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE for his brief description “DOUBLE WANG.”

BUT… our congratulations also go to these runners-up:

1st: “Tickle Me Timbers”—unsigned.
2nd: “Lucifer’s Horns”—A. Morris.
3rd: “2/3rds of the Rabbit Consumed”—unsigned.

If anyone would like to claim credit for these unsigned or ambiguously-signed descriptions, I would be pleased to acknowledge you.

Please especially, mysterious “Third Runner Up,” I would like to hear from you, because your description is strange and awesome and very accurate.

No offense to Dave Praeger, whom I adore, but I have come to the conclusion that he is a foul-mouthed loon, whereas you, THIRD RUNNER UP, are a moustache poet.

STAND BY FOR PART TWO

***

PART TWO: The results from a contest to CORRECT AN ERROR IN A MAGAZINE

As I have NOT LEFT MY HOME in several days, I do not know if TIME OUT NEW YORK has, as promised, published my letter correcting their error in their otherwise very kind and obviously drunken review of MY BOOK.

(Actual quote: “The book’s overall presentation gives Hodgman’s self-consciousness the feel of Nabokov’s PALE FIRE as directed by Wes Anderson. Glub glub glub. I am obviously drunk. Tee hee.”—Daniel Nester, Time Out NY, Oct 13-19). !!

So perhaps it is now common knowledge among TIME OUT NY readers that the missing word from the sentence they MISQUOTED from my book was:

“CYBORG.”

The correctly quoted sentence, thus, is:

“Young, handsome CYBORG Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.” (emphasis mine)

Unfortunately, no one guessed this one correctly, and so this “FREE BOOK” goes unclaimed.

But I shall give it away, as outlined below.

STAND BY FOR PART THREE

***

PART THREE: Information about the closest bookstore to THE UCB THEATER

Tomorrow night (MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 9:30PM) I have been invited to speak and endure questioning as part of…

BRO’IN OUT WITH LEO AND TONY

A live talk show hosted by LEO ALLEN, sidekicked by TONY CAMIN, and welcoming guests SHONALI BHOWMILK and DEMETRI MARTIN to

THE UCB THEATER, 307 West 26th Street, tickets are available

Please note that BEER AND WINE WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE at this event, but not books.

YOUR NEAREST BOOKSTORE, in case there is a book of FAKE TRIVIA you want to buy and have signed by DEMETRI MARTIN, for example, is the Barnes and Noble at Sixth Avenue and 22nd Street.

STAND BY FOR PART FOUR

***

PART FOUR: Information about ALBANY, our state’s capital

THIS TUESDAY, OCT 25, 2005, Jonathan Coulton and I will drive northward with ARTHUR BRADFORD to address the citizens of Albany.

We are welcomed to the capital region by William Kennedy’s NEW YORK STATE WRITERS INSTITUTE, Donald Faulkner, Director.

You may see Arthur Bradford’s sideburns HERE

The reading, which is open to the public, begins at 8PM.

STAND BY FOR PART FIVE

***

PART FIVE: Information about THE CLOSEST BOOKSTORE to the u.c.b. theater

THEN, ON WEDNESDAY, OCT 26 at 7PM, Coulton and I will return to Manhattan and the sales floor of BARNES & NOBLE at 6th Avenue and 22nd Street.

PLEASE NOTE: as this is the first ACTUAL BOOKSTORE APPEARANCE since the publication of the book, it would be lovely to see AN ENORMOUS NUMBER OF PEOPLE there.

Or at least: SOME PEOPLE.

Thus, as an incentive, THE FREE BOOK NOT GIVEN AWAY ABOVE will instead be given away to anyone who demonstrably BRING THEIR PARENTS to the reading, or alternately, THEIR FIVE SIBLINGS, or AN ENTIRE CLASS OF COLLEGE STUDENTS.

No cousins, though, Enough with the cousins.

PLEASE NOTE that Barnes and Noble does NOT sell alcohol anymore. If you want beer or wine, you will have to go to the nearby UCB THEATER—I will be happy to sign any alcohol you bring to the reading.

STAND BY FOR PART SIX

***

PART SIX: That is all.

This E-MAILING #10 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE represents the midpoint of all e-mails you shall receive on this subject.

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “PLEASE END THIS MISERY” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.

GOOD EVENING

My name is John Hodgman and I greet you via SIMPLE MAIL TRANSFER PROTOCOL with…

……Information Regarding LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE NO. 32, To Be Held THIS WEDNESDAY……

……Information Regarding A BENEFIT FOR 826NYC, To Be Held THIS THURSDAY……

……Information Regarding THE BROOKLINE ADVISORY COMMITTEE MEETING……

……a CHANCE TO WIN a free book, if that is what you want……

……That Is All……

STAND BY FOR PART ONE

***

PART ONE: ……Information Regarding LITTLE GRAY BOOK LECTURE NO. 32, To Be Held THIS WEDNESDAY……

Lecture No. 32: HOW TO PREPARE MANUSCRIPTS FOR PUBLICATION

Will take place THIS WEDNESDAY, Oct 19, 2005, at 8PM, in the traditional location:

GALAPAGOS
70 North 6th Street, Between Kent and Wythe, in Williamsburg
(“Follow the L line to Bedford Station, and then: Walk!”)

We are especially delighted to announce that POTTS IS BACK FROM CHINA, and he will be accepting a $5 donation if you wish to make it at the door.

Once you step through the door, we will be joined by…

Mr. MARK ADAMS, a magazine editor who has now undertaken the Herculean task of writing a truly Herculean BOOK.

Ms. CYNTHIA HOPKINS, whose music, alone and under the auspices of GLORIA DELUXE (www.gloriadeluxe.com), have inspired many a writer of MANUSCRIPTS

Prof. ROBERT FARRIS THOMPSON, who has chased the shifting sounds, passions, and history of TANGO and has impossibly, yet somehow, tamed them into the pages of A BOOK. (http://www.randomhouse.com/pantheon/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780375409318)

Plus: instruction on HOW TO WRITE A BOOK, culled from the pages of ANOTHER DAMN BOOK: this one called THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE (www.areasofmyexpertise.com)

As always, songs by JONATHAN COULTON, Contributing Troubadour to POPULAR SCIENCE.

And a special WANDERING GUEST.

***

PART TWO: ……Information Regarding A BENEFIT FOR 826NYC To Be Held THIS THURSDAY……

On THURSDAY, Oct 20, at 8PM, which is EXACTLY 24 HOURS LATER

826NYC and THE BROOKLYN SUPERHERO SUPPLY COMPANY shall present its Spring 2006 collection of SUPER HERO COSTUMES
designed by FAMOUS FASHION DESIGNERS at Symphony Space.

(http://www.826nyc.org/events/info.html)

As well, there shall be: Samantha Bee, Rob Corddry, Ed Helms, Amy Sedaris, The Hungry March Band, a video of Patton Oswalt, reports from fictional characters and children, Sarah Vowell, and a special WANDERING GUEST.

Tickets are $25 or $75 if you wish to bid on a costume, and they may be purchased here: http://www.symphonyspace.org/genres/eventPage.php?genreId=4&eventId=1472

Does this seem expensive to you? How more dear the cost of ALL THE CHILDREN IN BROOKLYN BEING UNABLE TO READ?

Think about it.

CERTAIN BOOKS WILL BE SOLD AT BOTH GALAPAGOS AND SYMPHONY SPACE for only 22 dollars.

***

PART THREE:

……Information Regarding THE BROOKLINE ADVISORY COMMITTEE MEETING……

ALSO ON OCTOBER 20, as per my regular mailing from Ben Vivante, webmaster of www.townofbrooklinemass.com,

The Brookline Advisory Committee will be meeting at 7:00 PM in the Employees’ Lounge, 3rd Floor, Brookline Town Hall, Brookline, MASSACHUSETTS.

The agenda is schedule to include a review of the following warrant articles:

*ARTICLE 4: Issuance of Pension Obligation Bonds

*ARTICLE 15: Regulations Related to Site Disturbance, Clearing, and Public Shade Trees

*ARTICLE 17. Amendment to the Town’s By-Laws-Creation of a New Article 7.12- Street Signs

*AND MANY OTHER ARTICLES

The public is invited to attend.

IF YOU WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT BROOKLINE, MASSACHUSETTS, please consider attending…

Our Little Gray Book Lecture No. 33, on the subject of

YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN (OR AT LEAST, TO BROOKLINE)

this November 4, a Friday at 7:30PM

a special Lecture to be held in honor of Brookline’s 300th Anniversary and welcoming…

PATRICK BORELLI, JENNIFER DEADERICK, ADAM MAZMANIAN, JAMES PARKER, DANZY SENNA, ZEROBOY, and other illustrious guests.

ALL WITHIN the lovely and historic confines of THE COOLIDGE CORNER THEATER, 290 Harvard Street, Coolidge Corner, Brookline, MA. (www.coolidge.org)

More on this later, or by request.

STAND BY FOR PART FOUR.

***

PART FOUR: ……a CHANCE TO WIN a free book, if that is what you want……

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE is now on sale for 22 dollars in many bookstores, and of course on computer networks via www.areasofmyexpertise.com.

However, if you want a free copy of this book—A 22 DOLLAR SAVINGS TO YOU—here is what you do:

Pick up a copy of this week’s TIME OUT NEW YORK MAGAZINE (Oct 13-19 with Maude Maggart on the cover), and turn to the review of the aforementioned BOOK on Page 79.

Note the slightly inaccurate quote from the book:

“’Young, handsome Army officer kills own family, blames hippies.’”

IF YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT WORD IS MISSING FROM THIS QUOTE, I will send a free copy of THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE to whatever address you specify.

And also, another book of my choosing. Maybe the TIME OUT GUIDE TO LONDON circa 2003, or something about robots.

Simply type your answer in an e-mail to this address, or write

PO BOX 1618
Cathedral Station
New York, NY 10025

THE SOLUTION will be revealed in the next mailing. HINTS will be liberally provided upon request.

***

……That Is All……

This SIMPLE MAIL TRANSFER PROTOCOL MESSAGE shall constitute the entirety of update #9 of 20 regarding THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE,

…A BOOK…

As always QUESTIONS COMMENTS AND CONCERNS on this or any subject may be posed to Hodgman@littlegraybooks.com.

If you wish to be removed from this mailing list, simply respond to this address and include the word “DESIST” in your reply.

The final mailing on this subject will be made January 2, 2006.

THAT IS ALL.