I REGRET MY INTERNET SILENCE. As you know, I am passing these humid months in the small Massachusetts town known as INTERNETLESS HILLS, only occasionally descending down from the mountains to buy coffee and steal broadband and news of the world.

ONE EXAMPLE OF SUCH NEWS: while listening to the local radio station, I heard a woman describe a forthcoming local stage show thusly: “It is an exploration of the cultural extinction of New Orleans, as told by a person who is half man, half wolf.”

(!!!!!)

I ONLY WISH I could offer you such a show.

AS IT HAPPENS, I CAN OFFER only this:

JOHN RODERICK, of Seattle’s own “The Long Winters“, who is NOT half wolf, but merely Alaskan, which is to say : ONE QUARTER CAVE TROLL…

SINGING GOOD SONGS written by his own hands…

ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 20th, sometime in the evening…

AT THE MONTAGUE BOOKMILL, a creaky former gristmill that has been transformed into a creaky used bookstore/cafe/comfy-armchair-storage-facility, and a very fine place to write books of fake trivia.

PLUS THERE WILL BE OTHER SURPRISES THAT I WILL REVEAL LATER.

AND THERE WILL BE A SMALL CHARGE of 10 dollars, in order to cover the cost of transporting a quasi-cave troll from Seattle.

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS NECESSITY, and are not dissuaded.

FOR WHILE THE FAMOUS MOTTO OF THIS BOOKMILL is “Books You Don’t Need in a Place You Can’t Find,” it is in fact EASY TO FIND if you live in New England and have the Internet.

AND I PLEASE ENCOURAGE YOU TO FIND IT, for this will be a very enjoyable evening, much like the hot time we all spent together with Jonathan Coulton some years ago, when it was so humid and awesome that apparently cameras could not even focus properly.

DID YOU FORGET WHAT I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT? If so, here is John Roderick again. I hope I will see you there…

THAT IS ALL.

I NEGLECTED TO POST THIS PHOTO from a good dinner on a warm night some weeks ago.

FROM THE TABLETOP OF THE BACK ROOM AT THE EAR INN, Aimee Mann doodles COULTON:

UNSEEN IN BACKGROUND: John Roderick going ON AND ON about what defines a “Chili Burger.”

IF YOU HAVE DEFINITIONS OF “CHILI BURGER” that may differ from his (“MORE CHILI THAN BURGER”), you may post them in the comments.

BUT PLEASE KNOW: I realize I have been negligent in making sure the comments contain as few ads for luggage and perfume as possible.

I WILL DO BETTER AT THIS: eliminating spam and making sure your LEGITIMATE COMMENTS, even those on the subject of luggage, get due respect FROM NOW ON.

That is all.

COURTESY: Mr. Marcus Parcus

I APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR HAVING TO ABRUPTLY CANCEL tomorrow night’s live recitation of “700 Mole-Man Names.”

PLEASE ALLOW ME NOW TO ABRUPTLY ANNOUNCE: we have now rescheduled.

ON SUNDAY NIGHT, JUNE 7, at 9:30 PM, I will read 700 Mole-Man names aloud into a microphone,

WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY, Jonathan Coulton will appropriately be playing “THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN“, an 18th century folksong, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

THIS WILL OCCUR AT UNION HALL, in Park Slope, NY, directly after Eugene Mirman’s fine comedy show. It is located at 702 Union Street, near 5th Avenue. DIRECTIONS MAY BE FOUND HERE.

IT IS THE SISTER VENUE of The Bell House, our former venue, and we are grateful to them for hastily accommodating us.

WHILE THE UNION HALL STAGE IS CONSIDERABLY SMALLER than the Bell House, it is, at least, UNDERGROUND.

IT WILL COST 10 dollars, in order to encourage you to REALLY, REALLY THINK about whether you want to actually sit quietly through approximately 100 minutes of Mole-Man names and their occupations, an 18th century folksong, some beer, and NOTHING ELSE.

SERIOUSLY.

IF THIS STILL SEEMS FUN TO YOU, tickets may be purchased HERE.

WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE, I am grateful to you.

THAT IS ALL.

DAY THREE of reading my book into a microphone (OR TRICKING OTHER PEOPLE INTO DOING SO) is now complete.

MORE DAYS OF SAME to come, but it has been a delightful thrill so far. A THRILL CONTAINED IN A VERY SMALL, HOT, AIRLESS ROOM so that the thrill cannot escape.

YESTERDAY I WORE A TUXEDO in the booth, and I did my imitation of a ukulele-ist as well. I regret there are no photos of this, though plenty others exist.

BUT LET ME PAUSE NOW and say:

FRIENDS, IF YOU SUFFER FROM POOR MOOD AND ILL CONFIDENCE, you could do worse than walk around in a tuxedo with a UKULELE. It is a marvelous combination, which I dubbed on Twitter the TUXUKE, until enough members of the twitter HIVE MIND pointed out that that sounds like some sort of Japanese tuxedo/ukulele porn.

IT MADE ME RECALL that I don’t recall if Dent May rocked the full TUXULELE when we both appeared at the great THACKER MOUNTAIN RADIO in Oxford, MS last fall. But he clearly does own a tuxedo, as THIS EMBEDDED MEDIA will prove.

THAT IS ALL.

HELLO LAZY AND ILLITERATE FRIENDS! Go get a friend to read this imitation blog post to you, because you might find this news interesting.

YES: WE BEGIN RECORDING THE AUDIOBOOK OF “MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU REQUIRE” today.

BY WE, I mean: me and several surprise guests…

SOME OF WHOM will not be a surprise at all (COULTON!);

AND SOME OF WHOM will be a complete surprise… UNLESS YOU CHOSE THE POWER OF INVISIBILITY OVER FLIGHT AND ARE USING IT TO SPY ON ME.

(IN WHICH CASE, I SAY TO YOU: good job. You made the right choice.)

OTHERWISE, I SAY TO YOU: I cannot wait to see you all through the microphone as I record this “read-aloud version of a book for illiterate people and people too lazy to turn pages.”

That is all.