IT IS FOR ONE REASON ONLY: because Paul F. Tompkins needs 300 of you to fight Persia to make comedy,

AND HE IS USING FACEBOOK to recruit you, city by city, not just to ATTEND one of his FAMOUS COMEDIAN SHOWS…

but also, in effect, by VOLUNTARY ACTION and EARLY COMMITMENT…

TO CAUSE THAT VERY COMEDIAN SHOW TO HAPPEN!

SCIENCE CANNOT EXPLAIN THIS. BUT PFT attempts to HERE. I paraphrase: if you and 299 of your friends commit to seeing Paul F. Tompkins perform in your town, HE WILL GO THERE, without asking any questions, and: HE WILL PERFORM.

RIGHT THIS MOMENT, New York City, is seeking roughly 150 additional Knights in Tompkins’s Service (KITS) in order to conjure his form HERE.

I WILL PERSONALLY BE THERE. And so, I hope, you will be, and we shall congratulate our good taste together, loudly, in the audience, UNTIL PAUL GETS VERY ANGRY AND TELLS US TO BE QUIET.

OR, IF YOU LIVE IN A DIFFERENT CITY, search the Facebook and see if someone has started a campaign to lure Tompkins with the promise of 300 souls. If not, START YOUR OWN FACEBOOK PAGE to begin the ritual. Or search, #tompkins300.

LOOK, I know it is all somewhat confusing and decentralized, but that is the system that Paul has chosen, and though anarchic, I think you will find it EFFECTIVE and DELIGHTFUL once you have made this talented comedy person travel to your town a) BECAUSE HE IS FUNNY and b) BECAUSE YOU MADE IT TO HAPPEN.

IF YOU HAVE ANY LINGERING DOUBTS regarding the wisdom of this scheme, PLEASE REVIEW THIS INTERNET VIDEO of Paul F. Tompkins at the SF Sketchfest of last month:

CASE CLOSED

That is all.

AS YOU PEOPLE ARE INTERNET USERS, perhaps you also enjoy the FULLY WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY KNOWN AS RADIO?

IF SO, then allow me to recommend THE BEST SHOW ON WFMU.

EVERY TUESDAY EVENING, from 8-11, Tom Scharpling is besieged by a rogue’s gallery of strange friends and stranger callers. They try his patience, stoke the embers of his many grudges (DOLENZ!), inspire his equally numerous enthusiasms (ABBA!), and occasionally provoke him to one of his beautifully righteous, hulk-like rage-rants.

IN COLLUSION WITH HIS FREQUENT NEMESIS, Jon Wurster, countless FANCY GUESTS, and all on his own, Scharpling has perfected a new kind of comedy of aggrievement, and THE BEST SHOW is truly one of the most surprising and delightful pieces of culture I have ever ABSORBED THROUGH MY EARS.

I MENTION THIS NOW, because this very night, TWO THINGS ARE HAPPENING that require your kind attention.

FIRST, I will be joining TOM on his program this very evening. It is a special six hour program that you can listen to on the RADIO (91.1 FM in the NY/NJ area) or on the INTERNET.

SECOND, and more important, it is Tom’s birthday today. And as is traditional, he is celebrating his birthday by THREATENING US ALL.

IF TOM “@scharpling” SCHARPLING does not reach the arbitrary benchmark of 10,000 Twitter followers by tonight’s show, he will only play bad experimental music all night.

SO I IMPLORE YOU TO FOLLOW HIM, not only because it will make my evening much more pleasant, but also because I truly believe you will enjoy what he has to say, and also because I can tell you truly: TOM SCHARPLING IS  AN INCREDIBLY TALENTED, INSANELY BIG-HEARTED, RIGHTEOUS MAN-MONSTER who deserves your support.

AND IF YOU ARE HOARDING ANY DOUBT in your suspicious heart, I give you this conversation from last July between Scharpling and the famous comedian, Paul F. Tompkins, on the subject of THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

SORRY, THIRD COAST FESTIVAL, but this is the most important radio of our generation:

That is all.

THANK YOU, everyone, for making the TODAY-IN-THE-PAST-CAST the number 2 best “selling” podcast on iTunes, IMPLAUSIBLY ENOUGH.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL.

HOWEVER, I realize that some of you may be saying:

“I LIKE ALL THESE FAKE FACTS, but I am sorry that I cannot pay money for them, and also hear them all at once, FOR HOURS.”

SO I WOULD BE REMISS in not pointing out that the ENTIRETY of “Today In The Past” is also included on the full AUDIOBACK EDITION of the book.

NOT TO MENTION:

MANY MORE FAKE FACTS

INCREDIBLE GUESTS including Coulton! Maddow! F Tompkins! Dick Cavett! Ira Glass! Vowell! Galifianakis! Gervais!

AND YOUR NARRATOR: Paul Rudd.

AND ALSO: 700 mole-man names, recorded before a live studio audience, UNDER THE GROUND.

SERIOUSLY: I am very proud of this effort, and especially the effort of the astonishing actual talents who made it happen, IMPLAUSIBLY ENOUGH.

AND I WOULD BE REMISS in not pointing this out, since some do not seem to believe it.

BUT NOW I WILL SAY NO MORE

That is all.