BUT BEFORE I HAVE EVEN ARRIVED, some news has developed up in the Pioneer Valley.

THOUGH I AM ANGERED by the region’s refusal to FREEZE COMPLETELY IN TIME until I get back, I am nonetheless happy for the following developments.

DEVELOPMENT A)

THE BILL DWIGHT SHOW is back.

BILL DWIGHT, as you likely do not know, is a former Northampton City Council-Person and, in the words of his patron and mentor Ms. Rachel Maddow, the world’s oldest functioning video store clerk. And until recently, he and Jaz Tupelo hosted a morning radio talking-hour of important local issues, corn reports, and endless in jokes that I found so delightful that I would often drive down from my mountain retreat just to visit them and/or forcibly take over the show on one of Bill’s many, many vacations.

THEY WENT AWAY for a while, parting with their radio station for reasons that are still opaque. I don’t want to get into it, but it seems that they all parted ways over the kind of passionate, personal, but ultimately short-sighted dispute that is typical of small towns. And also large towns. And major world governments. All around: a shame, I say.

BUT NOW THEY HAVE RETURNED, using the internet, and I am glad to have them back. Please give Bill and Jaz your INTERNET EAR.

AND DON’T FORGET their ardent supporter and long time friend of this imitation blog: BILL SCHER.

DEVELOPMENT B)

AS MENTIONED ABOVE, it was Rachel Maddow, a VALLEY-DWELLER and Northampton’s former morning DJ, who first discovered Dwight.

(INDEED, she is his first guest of the revived NON-RADIO SHOW).

AND NOW IT IS VIA BILL’S new site that I discover this video of her speech to the graduated women of SMITH COLLEGE last Sunday. It is a wonderful argument AGAINST PERSONAL TRIUMPH, and not surprisingly, it is very PRO-ALCOHOL. I encourage you to start watching it and then continue until it is finished.

DEVELOPMENT C)

IN OTHER NORTHAMPTON NON-VISUAL BROADCASTING NEWS, the current voice of the Valley’s radio morning, MISTER MONTE BELMONTE, has joined TWITTER, an internet service. PLEASE FOLLOW HIM.

DEVELOPMENT D)

SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE DISCOVERED via television yesterday that I am appearing all this week on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. I provide a “life-line” called “ASK THE EXPERT.”

APPARENTLY, they did not realize I am only a FAKE EXPERT ON FAKE KNOWLEDGE when they invited me to do this, and as a result, A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO BE MILLIONAIRES ARE NOW ONLY THOUSANDAIRES. Those of you who saw my terrible Orthocenter/Anacostia River one-two punch of dumbness yesterday know what I am talking about.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS? I had no idea either, until the Springfield Republican informed me that one of the people I advised is a teacher at Westfield State College, which, as the name implies, is in a field and in WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS.

GO WESTY!

I HAVE NO MEMORY if I this Professor Philip Ettman is one of the people I helped or hindered over the course of the week. But you can watch at 12:30PM EST today and every day this week to find out, and also to watch me wear a different outfit for each show, even though we shot them all in one day.

FINALLY)

I DO NOT KNOW WHY the comments no longer seem to be accepting your original submissions of words on this site, and instead only listing trackbacks and pingbacks and other internet terms I do not understand. I WILL TRY TO PUSH SOME BUTTONS AND MAKE THAT DIFFERENT. But for now, I say: THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST READING, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ROBBED YOU OF YOUR ABILITY TO SAY “MEH” TO  ME. I am grateful.

That is all.

UPDATING:

AS I CONTINUE TO READ THE INTERNET, it occurs to me that Maddow’s point echoes that of Solzhenitsyn’s, although with better jokes:

“If, as claimed by humanism, man were born only to be happy, he would not be born to die. Since his body is doomed to death, his task on earth evidently must be more spiritual: not a total engrossment in everyday life, not the search for the best ways to obtain material goods and then their carefree consumption. It has to be the fulfillment of a permanent, earnest duty so that one’s life journey may become above all an experience of moral growth: to leave life a better human being than one started it.

It is imperative to reappraise the scale of the usual human values; its present incorrectness is astounding. It is not possible that assessment of the President’s performance should be reduced to the question of how much money one makes or to the availability of gasoline. Only by the voluntary nurturing in ourselves of freely accepted and serene self-restraint can mankind rise above the world stream of materialism,” - Alexander Solzhenitsyn, address to Harvard, 1978.

QUOTE courtesy Andrew Sullivan.

AND ALSO, still have not found a way to fix the comments section.

WHILE I WAS EMBARRASSED that the president did not know that Conan worshipped Crom (let’s face it: that one was a “give-me“),

I WAS MUCH MORE EMBARRASSED to realize that I had used the term NERDCORE without properly attributing it to its source, MR. M.C. FRONTALOT.

(BEGIN VIDEO TUTORIAL)

(END VIDEO TUTORIAL)

TODAY, MR. ALOT releases his LATEST ALBUM OF NERDCORE RAPPING SONGS, and I was grateful that he was willing to offer me some space on the vinyl to finally address this terrible oversight, and also to discuss other subjects, along with COULTON HIMSELF.

I AM GRATEFUL TO HIM for his forgiveness, and to WIRED for their kind words regarding our conversation.

BUT LISTEN, NICK VERONIN, please do not blame SIR FRONTSPLENTY for the poor sound quality of our little talk. It is not his fault. I made him come to my new Brooklyn-based WORK-BUNKER, which was empty except for the bottle of gin I had installed; and frankly, COULTON’S BEARD did not soak up all the echoes as well as I had hoped.

That is all.

I WILL BE SPEAKING at the upcoming Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner.

AS OF THIS WRITING, I am scheduled to speak after the President of the United States (Barack Obama)

WHICH MAKES SENSE, as I am the most dynamic public speaker of our times.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SERVING FOR DINNER, but I will tell you.

THAT IS ALL.