AS YOU PEOPLE ARE INTERNET USERS, perhaps you also enjoy the FULLY WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY KNOWN AS RADIO?

IF SO, then allow me to recommend THE BEST SHOW ON WFMU.

EVERY TUESDAY EVENING, from 8-11, Tom Scharpling is besieged by a rogue’s gallery of strange friends and stranger callers. They try his patience, stoke the embers of his many grudges (DOLENZ!), inspire his equally numerous enthusiasms (ABBA!), and occasionally provoke him to one of his beautifully righteous, hulk-like rage-rants.

IN COLLUSION WITH HIS FREQUENT NEMESIS, Jon Wurster, countless FANCY GUESTS, and all on his own, Scharpling has perfected a new kind of comedy of aggrievement, and THE BEST SHOW is truly one of the most surprising and delightful pieces of culture I have ever ABSORBED THROUGH MY EARS.

I MENTION THIS NOW, because this very night, TWO THINGS ARE HAPPENING that require your kind attention.

FIRST, I will be joining TOM on his program this very evening. It is a special six hour program that you can listen to on the RADIO (91.1 FM in the NY/NJ area) or on the INTERNET.

SECOND, and more important, it is Tom’s birthday today. And as is traditional, he is celebrating his birthday by THREATENING US ALL.

IF TOM “@scharpling” SCHARPLING does not reach the arbitrary benchmark of 10,000 Twitter followers by tonight’s show, he will only play bad experimental music all night.

SO I IMPLORE YOU TO FOLLOW HIM, not only because it will make my evening much more pleasant, but also because I truly believe you will enjoy what he has to say, and also because I can tell you truly: TOM SCHARPLING IS  AN INCREDIBLY TALENTED, INSANELY BIG-HEARTED, RIGHTEOUS MAN-MONSTER who deserves your support.

AND IF YOU ARE HOARDING ANY DOUBT in your suspicious heart, I give you this conversation from last July between Scharpling and the famous comedian, Paul F. Tompkins, on the subject of THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

SORRY, THIRD COAST FESTIVAL, but this is the most important radio of our generation:

That is all.

GOOD-BYE and safe travels, Timothy McSweeney.

That is all.

I CANNOT EXPRESS my happiness for Henry Selick, Neil Gaiman, and all the crazy tiny-sweater-knitters and miniature-rat-wranglers, regarding the Oscar nomination of the film, CORALINE.

I HOPE THE ACADEMY LIKES CRYSTAL HEAD VODKA, because they are going to be getting a lot of it from me in a shameless attempt to buy their vote.

BUT BRIBERY IS NOT NECESSARY. It is an astonishing film, and I am so proud to be a part of it.

ONE TRAVESTY, however, is that THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS were not nominated for BEST SONG.

WITNESS:

THAT’S JOHN LINNELL SINGING, of course. Not me. I did record a version of the song, but thankfully, they came to their senses.

That is all.

PERHAPS YOU KNOW THAT I will be traveling tomorrow to implausible city of San Francisco to take part in the SF SKETCHFEST.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.

SPECIFICALLY, I will attempt to see you at these locations:

ON SATURDAY, at 2PM, at Cobb’s Comedy Club, where I will once again be having a conversation on stage with DAVE EGGERS, a tradition I refer to as “THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT,” and then taking your questions.

PLEASE NOTE THAT SOME FAMILIARITY WITH THE TELEVISION MOVIE “MAZES AND MONSTERS” will be helpful at this event.

AND THEN LATER ON SATURDAY, at 10:30PM, at The Eureka Theater, I will be visiting with the famous feral boy/famous sketch comedy troupe “KASPER HAUSER.”

AND THEN ON SUNDAY, at 9pm, at the Mezzanine, I will join H. Jon Benjamin and Todd Barry, aka THE RED WINE BOYS.

I MAY ALSO SEE YOU at other places in San Francisco: ALCATRAZ! FISHERMAN’S WHARF! EATING RICE PILAF ON TOP OF THE FAMOUS CABLE CARS! OR OTHER COMEDY CLUBS! Oh, it truly is a city of prisons and bread bowls and strange trolleys and ha ha, right there by the bay.

UNTIL THEN

That is all.

I HAVE BEEN AWAY FROM THIS IMITATION BLOG FOR SO LONG, I feel like I am part of a one-year-later storyline.

I SHALL RETURN TOMORROW with links to things of interest, including the upcoming SF SKETCHFEST.

AND FOR NOW, you will just have to live with the mystery of why I suddenly have a peg leg and am president of the colonies.

That is all.